Just Words on a Page

My life has become, solely, a menagerie of lists. Lists of things I will never accomplish. Goals I will never follow through with. Things I'll want but never have. And if I do manage to check even one thing off the list, the list hasn't yet been dented. So often do I think of all the possibilities. It's what keeps me going... the unknown, the possible and impossible, fact and fiction. Where does it all lead? Happiness? A sense of fulfillment because I've done my duties for the day? I want to blame it on pure rebellion. Feeling the need to not be so much like everyone else. For fear of loneliness, blankness, and just plain unhappiness. I'm under the impression that people that have accomplished their goals and daily tasks are yet unfulfilled, but the lesser peoples of the human race who have the inability to perform such duties, where are they? In small one bedroom apartments with loud neighbors and sirens beyond their dirt covered walls, are they the ones who are happy? It wouldn't seem so. But what I'm trying to figure out is, what is happiness- really? And where has it been hiding?
People have always been curious creatures. Always looking for answers to solve all our problems. But the real answer is, there is no conclusion, it will never be done. There aren't enough answers to even satisfy, and if there were- human beings wouldn't be able to comprehend them. The first step to all knowing, is knowing and accepting the fact that there is just simply too much out there. "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." At least someone knew that much. But there will always be problems and not enough answers. All we can do is enjoy the hunt. Our list will never be finished, and in that sense, we will be unfulfilled, but it is the search and the things we come into contact with along the way that make the ride worth more than checking off everything on that list. Everything will come together eventually. And once we let it come together within ourselves, we will feel that sense of fulfillment.

Happiness.

philosopical bit, by kate

from me, to my friend ian
"...if there were more people like us, i think the world, and society would have a chance lol. so many people are ignorant, i say it everyday, i dont understand why people subject themselves to all of these mass marketed brain washing images and multimedia projects, its all lies, every last bit of it, and it does nothing but torture us, and feed our 7 deadly sins, and even if people arent religious, these things go against the laws of nature. and people act like sheep, rounded in herds of stereotypical nothings, without personalities, all either- trying to be different, or trying to fit in. im worried for humanity, but we've done it to ourselves, maybe we were only destined to be here for a short time, to prepare the earth for the future that lies ahead, only to make history. and a sad one at that."

Used and Abused

This has happend many times, and my motto is, "fool me once, thats on you, fool me twice, thats on me, fool me three times, im pregnant." Just something funny that i made up that was inspired by a past scare of mine lol. Boys are dumb, but girls are dumber. We let "love" or whatever we think is love, blind us. and it really does, some girls let it get really bad, and then we become delusional. and boys wonder why we're all so crazy, its their fault lol. But honestly, who doesnt this shit happen to man? And even though it totally blows, we all need it. You cant go cruisin through life without a worry in the world, thinkin everything will be okay, thats not real. If we didnt get hurt, we wouldnt learn, and improve ourselves, and the kinds of people we surround ourselves with. But its time for an awakening. The need to stop being indecisive has been realized. I need to finally grow up, understand a few things about relationships, what is important in that, and I need to look at the facts, instead of what my mind makes up and unfortunately this brings me to the problem of, does being realistic mean not being optimistic? because I view myself as a pretty optimistic person, although I do rant and rave about how many things I really "hate." It's lame. Hate is soo lame. It only causes problems, and I'd like to know why I think I like hating things. It doesnt make sense.
Another thing on the "to do list" for bettering myself.. stop smoking so much pot. It's not really doing me any good. I keep forgetting things, and its not just the little things, its the really big things, important things, and things that call for some good old common sense. Its turned off my ability to know right from wrong. Sure, I feel thats its made me much more creative, and I stopped caring so much about what other people think of me, but its ruining me more than I realize. I always said that I'd never stop smoking because I love how it mellows you out, and takes all the pain and hate and anger away, you leave this ugly world that we live in, and lose reality. To me, it genuinely is the best feeling in the world. And its made me appreciate everything so much more, and love things so much more, and accept all kinds of people. Before, all my personality consisted of, was pride, jealousy, hatred, anger- and lots of it, insecurity, unloyalty, and many other things that I really didnt like about myself. Now, I'm not saying that all of that has transformed into positive things because of weed, but it was a large contributing factor. Now I can be myself, and I'm not scared of what people will think, and I really like who I've become sometimes. But as of late, I've been a real idiot, and a bitch. The other night I had my friend (we'll call her jane) over and then my other friend (we'll call him john) came over and 'jane' doesnt really approve of drugs, or like being around them, she feels like, you do what you do and thats your business but leave me out of it, and jane and I have become really close the past few months and I knew I was just bound to fuck it up.. but anyways, john wanted to smoke, so while jane was over, john and I smoked.. I didnt necessarily plan it that way, and I wasnt considering her feelings towards it, I was just being a selfish asshole, and so then she started acting a little strange, and I knew something was up, but since I was high I was being a douchebag and didnt know what it was. So then John left and Jane and I talked. She wouldnt tell me what she was thinking or feeling so I didnt know what to do, and shes really too polite to mention anything bad, so I had to really get it out of her, and it was tough, but after she said she 'felt sick' and 'wanted to go home' I needed to know what I could do to make it better. Finally I thought things were better, and it was like 12am so she was kind of forced to stay because if she went home her mom would have questioned it, and so we ended up playing grand theft auto vice city, and it seemed like things were alright, then we fell asleep, and she kept saying she couldnt wait to leave. I felt like such a fucking asshole. She never gets angry or upset with anything, so I knew it was really bad, and I still feel like I fucked this friendship. But the next day, it was a sunday and we had planned to go to this farmers market but I figured since she was mad she wouldnt want to, and so I went to this interview I had for a job and she asked if we were still hanging out and I told her I had my interview then I was going to hang out with my friend mike, and I probably should have mentioned that it was cause we were supposed to hang out the night before and I didnt know if jane and I were still on cause she was mad at me, and so she said oh.. okay, and so then I said we should grab coffee or something, and she declined, saying she wanted to go to the farmers market instead, and said she'd find someone else to go with, and so basically i fucked her whole weekend, and I'm literally sick about it, I want to make it better and I have no idea what to do. Like I'm so upset, I pretty much cried today when I told our friend chelsea about it.
So yeah, life is pretty shitty right now, but I'm lookin at the other bright sides, or trying really hard to.

Long time, no read

I haven't even had the thought of going on here again. I think it was because I "found, 'the guy'" when I really didn't. Now I'm really starting to understand the meaning behind starting this blog. It was to log my weird, crazy, upsetting, happy, and whatever experiences with dating. I'll just give a quick update. I broke up with greg a few days after that entry, because he forgot out anniversary and my birthday. About a week and a half later, I meet this crazy awesome guy through my friend Jess. We started hanging out, and I felt like he was the greatest thing ever, at the time he really was. And so two weeks after me and greg broke it off, I started dating this guy. He was great, technically- my first love. I spent all of my free time with him, and we were a really great couple. Then one day out of the blue he wasn't answering me, and then a few days later told me his "heart was somewhere else". Yeah, doesn't feel too good, I was ripped to shreds for like 4 days, then realized, its most DEFINITLY not the end of the world. He came into my life just where he was supposed to, and everything that had to happen, happend for a reason. I appreciated it for what it was, and even though it was a really low thing to do, I miss him sometimes. But there will be others :) thats for sure.
Another thing, I got accepted into The Art Institute of Pittsburgh, so I leave for that in mid august, right after my 18th birthday. This year has gone so fast, I mean, its march already. Oh and in that last entry it said how I had to choose which parent to live with.. my mom, because I'll only be there for 5 months, and then I'm gone, plus shes way nicer than my dad. We're moving on march 12th, and the day after, maddie (my sister) and I have a school talent show that we're performing at. We're singing and shes playing guitar. I'm really excited and nervous, and if anyone has any tips on getting rid of stage fright, let me know! I'll prolly post whatever video we get from that. And I know it sounds totally lame, but we're singing "miss independent" the kelly clarkson version, and quite honestly it sounds awesome.
One more thing, I'm scheduled to meet with my surgeon for my jaw surgery, sometime in march, and then hopefully I'll get that surgery soon, so I can look okay for summer and get these damn braces off. Oh, and that guy friend that I like... I'm gonna ask him to prom :) wish me luckk

boy trouble?

Life is getting tougher and tougher with each year of my life. I just turned 17 two days ago, and since then things automatically suck. I mean sure, its cool that when guys ask how old I am, I can say17, instead of 16, which sounds so young to me. Anyways, the greg thing.. yeah relationships are harder than i even know, which is really lame. Its like really hard to trust him when he doesn't give me straight answers and isn't ever serious. But now I'm thinking that since this is just a silly high school relationship and I shouldnt worry about him at all, I should just not give a shit, and enjoy the fact that I'm with someone who I can be happy with. And then I have the contradicting factor of me not being happy with him sometimes.
I also have this close guy friend that I've been falling for, fer like everr. My sister thinks he likes me because she believes she has "the power to see auras" and she says that whenever im with him and I talk about greg, he gets a jealous aura lol. But idk I'd like to go out with my guy friend but I still dont believe he likes me.
When i started the "Never Date Kate" Blog.. my veiws on having a boyfriend were simple, just don't date, and don't suffer. I should have sticked to it, but like I really fell for greg and now I have this problem.
Has anyone ever done any drugs? Well I've experimented, not with anything scary or serious, but something that like millions of people in america do, and it's made me think so much more than I already do, and it scares me sometimes because I think way too deeply into things. And its changing the way I think of this and remember them. I promise its not acid, shrooms, cocaine, crack, heroine, meth or anything like that. But like I was doing so well when I stopped smoking and now I got back into it, and I'm kind of addicted again, I've been like wasted the past 4 days, it's exausting and I'm worried that I'm self medicating kind of like what my mother does with alcohol.
Anyones parents ever get divorced? Yep, along with my boyfriend being weird/having relationship problems, dealing with addictions, getting my phone taken away and being jobless, my parents are getting a divorce. COOL. Like I have no idea where I'm going to live when they split, and I hope I can get into college and apprentice for a tattoo artist. But you know, life doesn't always work out the way you want, which is reality and I need to realize that, but work my ass off to make my life way worth living.
Sorry this was just a lame entry, but I felt the need to vent, and maybe get some good feedback from people, something different than the stuff my friends tell me.

"I want to help people" ~Patch Adams

Kat Von D. such an inspiration to me.
Watching L.A. Ink right now, just amazed at the work she does. And Corey Miller is absolutely amazing as well. I really hope to get some tattoos done by them. I aspire to be a great tattoo artist too, as good as them, its a stretch but i know that if i work at it, it could happen.
I wish I could interview her and ask how she became so amazing. Its really unfortunate that she doesnt allow apprenticeships at her shop though. Not like I'd get in at 17 years old. Speaking of which, its my birthday next month, on the 11th. Then I'll be 17. I cant wait. Three things I want for my birthday: 1. a car 2. a tattoo gun/kit 3. a trip to the beach
that's literally all I want. Regrettably, I'm not getting any of those. Although, my friend Fallon wants her and I to go on a "road trip" to Myrtle Beach. That would be sooo amazing because I haven't been there in like 8 or 9 years, maybe more. I miss it there.
Anywho. Tomorrow/today/tonight I'm going to see Reel Big Fish for free! I might be able to meet them but I'm not sure if I can yet. You see, my dads best friends brother-in-law owns this club/venue that alot of people play at, and I saw Hanson, and Chiodos there before, and Kate Vogele. I met all of them, it was really cool, well, I spoke to ther guys in Hanson, but we didn't "meet". I wish.
Anyways, Patch Adams is on, and its 2:30am so I'm gonna have to go ;]

oh my gosh.

check out how megan fox looked when she was in grade school...
hahaha thats really funny. but its almost inspirational, like, i could possibly become attractive eventually lol. I'm so incredibly jealous of her, she is so gorgeous and isnt the best actress but her good looks have gotten her to where she wants to be. I like the fact that shes becoming the "new angelina jolie" i think its great, angelina needs to chill out. shes beginning to resemble joan crawford, shes just losing it. And dont even get me started on kristen stewart and robert pattinson. Theyre adorable together and theyre becoming the new brangelina, fer sure.
I totally just realized the other day like, it is so much better to gossip about celebrities rather than people I know. It doesnt hurt anyone, cause theyll never know what I say, and I can say whatever I want. The only downfall is, I sound stupid because I dont know the celebrities personally or anything. I like to feel like I do, my friends think I'm weird for how into movies I get and how I talk about the actors in the movie, I feel like I can tell alot from the people just from body language and the ways they talk at red carpet things and in candid pictures. maybe its just a weird thing I have, but inside, theyre all people just like you and me.. obviously.
I knew it, I'm becoming addicted to blogging. about just dumb things too, like movies and celebrities and stuff. but i dont know.
its almost 1:30 am and i want so badly to be carrie bradshaw, typing up some eloquently written story up in her classy apartment, about some crazy romantic encounter she just had with a gorgeous but quirky guy, or a night out with the girls. Or i wish to be like Samantha, i wish i could be in one of her scandalous relationships right now haha, i dont really want to be like charlotte, and especially not like miranda because shes a total bitch and never does anything right. sex and the city is definitly one of the best shows ever on television.
maybe the only reason i want to start a blog is to get noticed. or to be able to sit up at 2 am writing and thinking that some girl my age in california living the life i want to live, or some guy in boston is reading this thinking, wow that girl thinks about the same things i do, or anything like that, just giving meaning, or showing other people, they arent the only ones, thats what i feel like i need to do.