This has happend many times, and my motto is, "fool me once, thats on you, fool me twice, thats on me, fool me three times, im pregnant." Just something funny that i made up that was inspired by a past scare of mine lol. Boys are dumb, but girls are dumber. We let "love" or whatever we think is love, blind us. and it really does, some girls let it get really bad, and then we become delusional. and boys wonder why we're all so crazy, its their fault lol. But honestly, who doesnt this shit happen to man? And even though it totally blows, we all need it. You cant go cruisin through life without a worry in the world, thinkin everything will be okay, thats not real. If we didnt get hurt, we wouldnt learn, and improve ourselves, and the kinds of people we surround ourselves with. But its time for an awakening. The need to stop being indecisive has been realized. I need to finally grow up, understand a few things about relationships, what is important in that, and I need to look at the facts, instead of what my mind makes up and unfortunately this brings me to the problem of, does being realistic mean not being optimistic? because I view myself as a pretty optimistic person, although I do rant and rave about how many things I really "hate." It's lame. Hate is soo lame. It only causes problems, and I'd like to know why I think I like hating things. It doesnt make sense.
Another thing on the "to do list" for bettering myself.. stop smoking so much pot. It's not really doing me any good. I keep forgetting things, and its not just the little things, its the really big things, important things, and things that call for some good old common sense. Its turned off my ability to know right from wrong. Sure, I feel thats its made me much more creative, and I stopped caring so much about what other people think of me, but its ruining me more than I realize. I always said that I'd never stop smoking because I love how it mellows you out, and takes all the pain and hate and anger away, you leave this ugly world that we live in, and lose reality. To me, it genuinely is the best feeling in the world. And its made me appreciate everything so much more, and love things so much more, and accept all kinds of people. Before, all my personality consisted of, was pride, jealousy, hatred, anger- and lots of it, insecurity, unloyalty, and many other things that I really didnt like about myself. Now, I'm not saying that all of that has transformed into positive things because of weed, but it was a large contributing factor. Now I can be myself, and I'm not scared of what people will think, and I really like who I've become sometimes. But as of late, I've been a real idiot, and a bitch. The other night I had my friend (we'll call her jane) over and then my other friend (we'll call him john) came over and 'jane' doesnt really approve of drugs, or like being around them, she feels like, you do what you do and thats your business but leave me out of it, and jane and I have become really close the past few months and I knew I was just bound to fuck it up.. but anyways, john wanted to smoke, so while jane was over, john and I smoked.. I didnt necessarily plan it that way, and I wasnt considering her feelings towards it, I was just being a selfish asshole, and so then she started acting a little strange, and I knew something was up, but since I was high I was being a douchebag and didnt know what it was. So then John left and Jane and I talked. She wouldnt tell me what she was thinking or feeling so I didnt know what to do, and shes really too polite to mention anything bad, so I had to really get it out of her, and it was tough, but after she said she 'felt sick' and 'wanted to go home' I needed to know what I could do to make it better. Finally I thought things were better, and it was like 12am so she was kind of forced to stay because if she went home her mom would have questioned it, and so we ended up playing grand theft auto vice city, and it seemed like things were alright, then we fell asleep, and she kept saying she couldnt wait to leave. I felt like such a fucking asshole. She never gets angry or upset with anything, so I knew it was really bad, and I still feel like I fucked this friendship. But the next day, it was a sunday and we had planned to go to this farmers market but I figured since she was mad she wouldnt want to, and so I went to this interview I had for a job and she asked if we were still hanging out and I told her I had my interview then I was going to hang out with my friend mike, and I probably should have mentioned that it was cause we were supposed to hang out the night before and I didnt know if jane and I were still on cause she was mad at me, and so she said oh.. okay, and so then I said we should grab coffee or something, and she declined, saying she wanted to go to the farmers market instead, and said she'd find someone else to go with, and so basically i fucked her whole weekend, and I'm literally sick about it, I want to make it better and I have no idea what to do. Like I'm so upset, I pretty much cried today when I told our friend chelsea about it.
So yeah, life is pretty shitty right now, but I'm lookin at the other bright sides, or trying really hard to.
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